The moral high ground has loose footings…

He is charming, handsome.  He speaks well. Humorous. Mom laughs. Mom allows. Ultimately I do too. His bedroom door is back in place, retrieved from the garage. All the grades improve. He is now passing all his classes except one. The school work done receives high marks.

We have a lucid conversation. Encouraged, I tell him:

“Get your grades to 2.7. If you have a decent GPA you will have more options in the future”

“It gives you freedom and that is what you are after. Isn’t it?”

Mom tells me he repeats that too her. He puts in effort; we see that. I am quietly pleased that something I said to him landed.

The removed privileges return to him. I hate how unable we are to stand our ground and maintain long lasting punishment. We have fallen into this pattern. He acts poorly; we punish removing the iPad and phone and his bedroom door, which is heavy and awkward for me to carry back and forth to the garage.

Then he disappears all day again. I call his phone, one he took from his younger brother. No answer. Sunday family dinner is at 6:30. Where is he? At 8:00 he texts me that he will be home at 8:30. I tell mom. Anger arises in both of us. Sad parents of the erring child. She says: “take the Ipad”.

I do. I hide it in a cabinet in the living room, telling mom the location. That night I leave for my Sunday night hockey game. He comes home after I leave.

Next morning it explodes.

I slap him. I hate this me. Last week went so well, too.

Monday mornings, Mom is gone to work. I sleep in til 7:30 Mondays, tired from playing ice hockey the night before.

7:00 am Chaz knocks pushing my bedroom door open: “Can I get my iPad? I have homework and need it for the work.”

”Too early! I’m asleep.” I reply: “OK it is in the cabinet in the living room” “For home work only.”

This is a problem. I know that there may be homework, but the iPad is also the source of entertainment, communication, and distraction. When he has it he is in bed watching. In the morning upon awakening he is in bed watching it. At night he watches to fall asleep. I hate the thing.

I step into the kitchen 30 minutes later there is Chaz watching “Family Guy” on his iPad. I take it saying: “This is taken in punishment.  It is not for pleasure use right now.”

He yells: “Screw you. I’ll use it how you want!”

-“You know you told me it was for homework, and now you’re watching television” “You’re lying to me.”

Our other two sons, also in the kitchen, scatter. Morning is wrecked. They see this confrontation more and more often. It is not pleasant. Chaz yells and screams and interrupts. I try to parent. The emotion and tension rises to white hot in an instant.

I leave with the iPad.

He cries: “You’re an asshole!”

-“I’m holding you accountable. The iPad is removed for this reason you did…”

Interrupt: “Fuck you! no one likes you!” You’re an asshole.”

-“Don’t interrupt!”

-“Fuck you!”

-“Ok. Leave. Chaz just leave.”

N0! I’m eating … more F-Bombs from him.

-“Yeah food we provide you. Leave. You don’t get to address me like that. Go now!” I repeat. I walk away ….and then return to take the cereal bowl.

-“No one likes you, none of your kids like you,” He chides.

That is not what I’m after. I know that’s not true. “Please Chaz just leave.”

I try to take the bowl, he jumps up challenging me laying forth a litany of curses, swears his voice shouting. Some-where somehow this is that moment when restraint is needed and impossible at the same time. It boils over in me and…

I slap him. He pushes me. I slap at him. He draws back to punch. I block it and slap him pushing him back.

-“You FUCKER! You FUCKER! You’re an asshole.”

He states: “I have won fights you know.”

-“I’m sorry you’re fighting.”

He tries to punch me again. I’m bigger.

I push him over a chair. He jumps swinging. I push him into the chair and hold him there. We stop. We both have tears our eyes. I hate that I am unable to allow him to slander and curse me without getting violent. No one else on the planet talks to me that way; he is the only one I hit.

Truth told, I have spanked all my children on the rare occasion after suitable alternatives did not work. I was spanked but never fought my father like this. Chaz has been hit by me before. I have been vicious and yelled. Big man I am. I hate me for this. I do not have the reserve or mindful alternative.

I have won fights with men too. This one I am losing.

Friday I smell pot in the house again.